Making of the 'Vanishing Man' - My Story

In 2022, after four decades of work, I stepped away from full-time employment. What prompted this wasn’t a neat career transition, but a professional 'crisis of confidence' that opened up a darkness I neither anticipated nor felt equipped to handle.

At 58, with 41 years of work behind me, I found myself completely burned out. I couldn’t motivate myself to take on any job, executive or manual, high or low pressure. In hindsight, the signs had been there for at least five years, even as I was operating at what others might have seen as the peak of my career. But when the crash came, it was devastating. I couldn’t explain it to anyone, not even myself. I simply stopped functioning. It tore into my sense of identity and caused real damage to those I held most dearly, especially as a partner and a father.

To try to make sense of what was happening to me I gave this experience a name: Vanishing Man. It helped me externalise the condition, this disorienting loss of confidence, relevance, and identity, and begin to wrestle with the question of how this could happen to someone like me, someone who had always been seen as 'Mr. Confident'. Over time, as I shared my story, I learned I was far from alone.

Since then, my journey has taken me through some intense highs and lows. I’ve tried to map my progress, like exploring uncharted territory, by observing, documenting, and learning as I go. That process has evolved into the Vanishing Man project: an effort to capture and examine the paradigm shift that men like me are experiencing as their traditional identities, tied up in the roles of Professional, Partner and Parent, begin to fade. From this perspective I’m exploring how I can recognise, reframe, and ultimately recolour my life to become the most authentic versions of myself. 

Someone close to me recently asked me 'Why can’t you just be normal?’  What they meant was ‘why can’t you react like I would in this situation?’ The truth is, I've been responding 100% normally for me, but sometimes we just don’t know ourselves well enough to see the normality in our own actions and reactions, and why this might upset someone else who experiences an identical situation through a completely different lens. I've found that understanding our true personality is an essential part of normalizing  who we are, even if that revelation finds us at odds with those we've been around for a long time.  

I've also discovered a fundamental truth; living a life that violates my authentic self (my values, what I'm best at, what I choose to believe and hold onto) creates a stress that eventually leads to mental and physical burnout. This is a form of 'self-sabotage' that is made worse when we see it but choose to do nothing about it. For some, their reality is being trapped in a 'Golden Cage', i.e. exhausted and potentially overwhelmed by their role at work but putting up with it to make sure there's enough money in the retirement pot! When is enough ever enough? It may not be for everyone but I don't want to live like that. 

I've also learned that this isn’t a quick fix. There were dark days when I thought terrible thoughts, and some where I just had to shut the door and binge watch YouTube. It turns out that this is not something you ‘bounce back’ from immediately, it’s a profound shift, and surviving it means understanding on a deep level what's going on, and why, and having the courage to reconnect and revalidate who you are. I didn't want to see a Therapist, I thought that they wouldn't understand the business environment that I'd been struggling with for so long (and I really couldn't be bothered to explain it), and when I did eventually go it turned out I was right! That said, I've been very lucky to have a few guys, all senior in their current roles, all old friends and colleagues  who were there for me when I reached out, who have listened, supported and encouraged me on this journey. No-one told me to 'snap out of it'. no-one said 'It's nothing', and even though some them hadn't experienced 'Vanishing Man' syndrome themselves they had the maturity to empathise and put up with me over and above the call of friendship. For that I'm very grateful. 

I've learned a lot on my journey so far and am determined to make the experience really count for something. If this project can stop just one guy from jumping, or help reconnect some of those who feel untethered from themselves, then it will have been worth it. It feels like there are a lot of guys out there like me, and I know that there's an awful lot to do to reach them and bring them back to their authentic selves, but I'm excited about the direction the project is taking and keen to see results. 

If you'd like to know more about the 'Recolouring the Vanishing Man' project, how you can connect, get involved or support us financially then please click the button below.